I had made a list of how my husband should change, that would make me feel better and I decided I would pray it into existence (I just shake my head, in laughter, at my niavate).  I went to a  conference and saw an authentic relationship with God I wanted.  The only common denominator, with all of the people in ministry I admired, was that they spent every day time with Jesus... that's it, I had my mandate.

 

Monday, morning I got out my list.  Not knowing what to do with that list of items, I decided to find out what the bible had to say about changing my husband ( My List) At the same time I submerged myself in Joyce Meyer teaching, reading all of her books, listening to every teaching tape (yes, casette tapes) series, and watching her on TV while I cleaned the house.  As I searched the scripture and listened to Joyce Meyer, I realized, Jesus was not about changing my circumstance, but my circumstance changing me.  I was so intrigued about what the bible had to say; I kept coming back morning after morning after morning, completely fascinated. I learned prayer was not about getting my way, and getting my way was highly overrated.  I was would "get the win" but I was loosing our relationship.  I learned mostly, I needed to take the proverbial log out of my own eye, while trying to take the speck of dust out of my husbands eye.

 

My husband played too many sports, I learned the bible is about running the race of life to get the crown of life.

My husband did not finish the crown moulding, I learned the bible was about completeing the good work Jesus had started

My husband had so many problems, I learned I needed to look at my own problems and work on them

My husband needed to be happy with his job, I learned it is a gift from God to accept one's lot in life and enjoy the work you've been given

 

I would look up scripture on my list topic.  Then I would hand write each scripture; ponder it, put into action what I could, and crafted a prayer using the scripture.  I prayed each scripture out loud every day for a couple of years. These are my prayers...

 

At first it was a struggle to get out of bed to spend time with the Lord, I was NOT a morning person.  I had 18 month old twins who were not sleeping through the night. I would fall asleep in the chair, but as least I was up.  As the mornings went on, my captivation with the bible grew. Then, I discovered Beth Moore bible studies, which was as life altering as Joyce Meyers teaching.  Everything I had been taught in church became electric and alive.  My heart of stone was begin replaced with a heart of flesh.  I was so grateful to cry and feel.  Some mornings it felt like a magicians scarf was coming out of my soul.  The pain and the tears were tied to each other.  As I opened my heart and allowed Jesus to pull the scarf, the pain came out along with the tears.  He kept pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling...  Then he would fill that place with love, acceptance, peace, grace... It is still going on, as I learn to practice what he is teaching me.  The love, acceptance, peace, grace grow and grow and flourish... I am growing up in all things Jesus.

After several years of opening up my heart, looking at my own ways, learning how to parent my own children, how the Lord was parenting me, and how I was parented, I just kep on saying to myself, "This all feels so extreme.  God you are asking me to do such extreme things. This faith thing just feels so extreme."  I pondered for months, this faith is an extreme sport.  My brother built a 10 foot, half pipe, skate board ramp in our back yard in the 80's.  He was surfing and snowboarding and skating... Letting Jesus into my heart, listening to his voice, following the way of peace just felt like those EXTREMES.  My emotions didn't want to forgive my husband, or be patient with my children, or make ammends with family members I had hurt, or stop negative behaviors like smoking, or look into my permiscuous past.  On and on we went, the Holy Spirit and me, showing him every room of my heart... practicing saying the right thing instead of the negative, sarcastic angry comment on my lips.  I almost stopped talking for two years because I was such a complainer, pessimistic person.  Then, I began saying the right thing and this is what the Holy Spirit showed me about me...